


One Step At A Time

by NyxWordsmith



Series: So Far Apart [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Crying, Food mention, Human AU, Long Distance AU, M/M, Nightmare mention, Panic Attack Mention, anxiety mention, auditory hallucinations, eating disorder mention, gun mention, ptsd mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 19:12:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18452858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyxWordsmith/pseuds/NyxWordsmith
Summary: Things haven't always been easy for Logan and Roman, especially when they lived so far apart, but not that they live together, they find it easier to look after each other when they need it most.





	One Step At A Time

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Eating Disorder mention, food mention, ptsd mention, anxiety mention, crying, nightmare mention, gun mention, panic attack mention, auditory hallucinations
> 
> DISCLAIMER: Both of these characters have different mental health issues of varying degrees of severity. These are based of the severity and experiences of myself and my partner, and are not in any way, intended to be a basic 'one-size-fits-all' behavioural board.

Roman yawned as he shuffled down the hallway, the early morning light threading through the apartment as he rubbed his cheek. He smiled at the top of the stairs as he spotted Logan, his boyfriend looking pensively into the pantry as Roman quietly padded down the stairs.

Considering the hour of the morning and how fatigued Logan looked, he mustn’t have slept well. And considering that Roman hadn’t been actively typing when Logan woke up, it was likely that he didn’t even realise Roman was awake.

He slipped up behind Logan, smiling as he smelt his apple shampoo lingering in his hair, gently sliding his hands around Logan’s waist. The thinner of the pair jumped in surprise, blinking out of whatever thoughts he’d been having, and Roman hooked his chin over Logan’s shoulder.

“Good morning, love.” he whispered, voice thick with fatigue and hoarse from thirst.

He felt Logan relax into his arms, gently wrapping his arms around Logan’s waist, “Morning.” he slurred, blinking slowly as he looked over the contents of the pantry.

“How did you sleep?” he asked softly, glancing to the time. Hm. Six thirty. Much earlier than Logan’s usual rising time.

Logan was quiet for a few moments, worrying his lip between his teeth, “Not well.” he whispered after some deliberation, the cogs whirring behind his eyes, “Had a nightmare…”

Roman smirked slightly. His nerd found it incredibly difficult to form coherent sentences in the morning, but that didn’t make it any less adorable. Even after several months of living together (and a few years of dating).

His smirk slipped away when he registered the nightmare, and Logan’s very slight trembling in his arms. Gentle, so he didn’t spook Logan, he squeezed his waist, kissing Logan’s cheek, “Do you want to talk about it?” he whispered, feeling the fabric of Logan’s borrowed shirt (it  _ was _ technically Roman’s) shift as Logan melted further into Roman’s hold.

Besides the figurative cogs whirring behind his eyes, the only sign that Logan had heard him was a slight hitch in his breath.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Roman reassured gently, hands spreading on Logan’s sides. He was so slight, Roman would have tried wrapping his arms around his nerd twice if he didn’t have his own physical limitations.

Damn the bones in his forearms.

Logan’s breath shook as he tried to fill his lungs with air, “It was...the gun one.” he whispered, swallowing hard, eyes hazy as he looked in the middle distance. Probably remembering the dream, “Where they chase me?”

Roman nodded slowly, rocking the pair gently from side-to-side, shifting slightly to kiss Logan’s cheek, “You’re safe now.” he assured gently, feeling Logan shiver and the last of his nightmare-induced tension slip away, “It’s all over. Just a nightmare.”

Slowly, Logan’s eyes closed, his face going slack behind his glasses and sighed deeply, letting his head tip back onto Roman’s shoulder, “Just a nightmare.” he repeated in a low whisper, letting Logan rock him slowly.

“That’s right, baby.” he whispered, “You’re safe.”

They remained like that for a few moments, Logan safely held in Roman’s arms and swaying, the summer sun slowly warming the kitchen as it streamed in through the blinds. Roman knew if Logan needed more, he’d ask, but for now, it seemed the reassurance Roman had offered was enough.

“It’s a bad day.” Logan whispered into the quiet, sighing deeply and pouting.

“Anxiety?” he asked gently, taking a shot in the dark with his guess. Roman was by no means mentally healthy, but Logan had his own demons to wrestle with. They had both made it work for a few years now, but it was their open communication that made that possible. Without it, Roman and Logan individually doubted they would have lasted.

Not that they would have said that to each other.

Logan shook his head slowly, “ED.” he whispered, even as his stomach growled a protest, “I want to…” he admitted gently even as Roman held him in a slightly more protective hold, “I really do-” Logan’s voice cracked a little, “-and...and I know-”

Roman nuzzled into Logan’s neck, breathing in his soap, “Shh…” he whispered gently and Logan let the words fall away, “It’s okay.” he reassured, “I believe you.” Logan breathed in shakily, sighing it out, even as a cold tear slipped down his cheek onto Roman’s, “We’ll take it slow.”

Roman let Logan take another shaky breath, trying to calm himself down. It was never easy for Logan to admit a bad day, even all those years ago. He always feared Roman would react negatively, though Roman knew the reasons for that.

He felt Logan’s pulse slow against his cheek, his breathing even out from the slight stuttering it had taken, “Okay…” he whispered, melting back into Roman’s hold, “Thank you.”

Roman shook his head and lightly kissed his neck again, smiling slightly when he felt Logan’s slight shiver, “No need to thank me.” he whispered, kissing up to his temple, “Have you thought about what you can handle?” he asked softly.

He felt his nerd sigh deeply, “Not pancakies…” he pouted and Roman huffed out a soft laugh, smirking and kissing Logan’s cheek.

“No pancakies.” he assured, adoring the mutual name for Logan’s usual go-to breakfast choice. A creature of habit, usually, Roman had learned how to make pancakes the way he liked them.

But days like this, Roman knew better than to force anything.

“How about...a smoothie?” he asked gently, kissing his cheek lightly, “We still have some in the fridge? Pretty sure they’re still in date too.”

He let Logan think for a few moments, swaying slightly in the warm kitchen. He  _ was _ still waking up, after all.

“Yeah…” he whispered, “That might work.”

Roman relaxed his hold so Logan could go to the fridge, smiling as he fished out some cereal for himself, “How’s the milk?” he asked gently, studying the cereal box for a moment.

“In date.”

Roman grinned, “Excellent.” he closed the pantry, turning as Logan shook his bottle slowly and checked the date on the neck. Pulling out a bowl, Roman poured his cereal, “Anything interesting planned for today?” he asked gently, “I thought you were gonna hang with Virgil?”

A slight smile pulled at Logan’s lips, swinging his feet lightly as he cracked open the smoothie bottle, “Yeah...he seems really excited.” he sipped at his smoothie as Roman retrieved his milk and poured it, before setting everything back where it belong.

“He would have just finished school, right?” Roman asked as he spooned cereal into his mouth.

Logan nodded, “Yeah, fully-fledged teacher now.” Logan balked a little, “That’s mildly terrifying.”

Roman couldn’t help but laugh, throwing his head back as Logan blinked out of his slight terror and smiled warmly to Roman, “That is though.” he giggled as he spooned up more cereal, “We’ll just have to keep a close eye on him if he ends up teaching one of ours.” he teased.

The nerd smirked as he kept sipping his smoothie, “It’s Virgil…” he answered, voice monotone, “You could have twenty four hour survellience and he’ll still manage to get in trouble.”

Roman snickered and choked on some cereal, “You’re right.” he answered warmly, “Damn.”

They laughed together, and Logan slipped to Roman’s side, leaning into it as they consumed their respective breakfasts, “Do you remember when he’s coming over?”

Roman couldn’t help but snicker, “Baby, it’s a miracle I even remembered he was coming.” he teased lightly, kissing Logan’s temple as he rinsed his dishes.

The nerd laughed warmly, a more relaxed sound now that he’d managed to get something into his stomach, “Okay, fair.” he teased and threw his trash away, “We probably have a few hours.” Logan turned Roman toward him, arms lightly wrapping around his neck. Roman raised an eyebrow in question as his lip twitched into a slight smirk, “If you know what I mean.”

Roman smirked, wrapping his arms around Logan’s waist and picking him up until they were eye level with each other, “Jenga?” he teased in a low pur, carrying Logan to the stairs.

“Brat.” Logan huffed playfully, kissing Roman’s cheek down to his neck.

“Oh, definitely not Jenga.” Logan’s teeth grazed the skin, “The _ opposite  _ of Jenga.” he continued as he climbed the stairs back to the bedroom.

 

* * *

 Logan chuckled to himself as he stepped through the front door, scrolling through an app on his phone and locking the door behind him. The apartment was eerily quiet, and the nerd thought to check the time.

Huh. Seven p.m. Roman should have woken up by now.

A slight frown pulled at his lips as he shed his scarf, gently hanging it from the hook by the door. Something in the air of the small apartment was tense, apprehensive and expectant, making Logan move slowly and scan the corners. Roman  _ had _ been awake at some point, the low lights were on at least, but it did little to illuminate the apartment.

Beyond make it feel creepy.

Logan left his laptop bag by the door, slowly easing his shoes off, “Roman?” he called, trying to keep his voice fairly low as he stepped into the apartment, “You awake?”

The air in the apartment got thicker, this time with fear and Logan frowned as he moved to the stairs. Roman  _ had _ been down there. A familiar red and white blanket was discarded on the couch, as though abandoned in a hurry. Logan worried what that meant as he inched up the stairs.

“Baby?” he called again, carefully scanning the doors in the hall and frowning slightly at the only closed one. The bedroom.

He carefully moved to the door, knocking lightly twice, pausing, then knocking three more times. Logan strained as he listened, catching a soft gasp in the room, but otherwise no other sounds.

“Baby? Roman, love, it’s me.” he called gently, “It’s Lo.” another soft, tiny and heartbroken gasp, “Can I come in?”

A soft whimper, what sounded like a tiny and broken ‘please’ reached Logan’s ears and he carefully turned the doorknob and entered the room.

Logan was usually prepared for the chaos that winter brought, Roman’s mood always dipped as the sunlight waned and so did his dedication to self-care. But days like today...this seemed like a bad day.

He found Roman admist the ball of clothes in the corner...he looked like he’d been trying to clean up a little before he crumbled, curling himself up as small he could between the wall and dresser.

Logan’s heart broke as Roman whimpered, shaking as he tried to make himself smaller, “Oh, honey…” he whispered, inching closer slowly.

Hesitant and slow, Roman lifted his head, eyes shining with terror and tears, eyebrows slanted upward before relief flooded his eyes and more tears fell free.

“Hey, baby.” Logan felt his own relief. Roman wasn’t having a flashback, at least not now. Which meant Logan could possibly help stave off a panic attack before the next flashback came, “You can’t be comfortable down there-”

“They’re coming, Lo…” he whispered, hugging his knees closer and sobbing softly.

Logan slowly got down on his knee as he closed the rest of the distance, “No, baby, no.” he whispered, “They got caught, remember?” he asked softly, “Can I touch you, baby? Is it a good touch day?”

Thoughts took longer to process when Roman was scared like this, and even though Logan worried and kept a close eye on Roman, he let him have the time to think. Eventually, Roman gave a small nod and choked on a sob, trying to take in a deep breath, “Scared, Lo…”

Gentle and slow, Logan pressed his hand over one of Roman’s and slid the other up Roman’s arm, “I know, baby.” Logan whispered softly, trailing his hand up into Roman’s hair. It was a sweaty and sticky, clearly Roman had been scared for a while, but he still leaned into Logan’s touch with a soft hiccup, “But I’m home now.” he reassured gently, “And they won’t come for you.”

Several emotions flickered over Roman’s face, too fast for Logan to catch most of them, but Roman timidly opened his eyes and looked up at Logan. He hated seeing his boyfriend look so timid and vulnerable, tears falling freely as he struggled to keep his breathing even, but at least Roman recognised him.

It was a bad day, but Logan had come home at the right time it seemed.

“Hey.” he whispered, offering a gentle smile and playing with Roman’s hair lightly, “Can we move to the bed?” he asked softly, tilting his head to the side.

Roman worried his lip between his teeth, glancing nervously to the bed, then the door and back to Logan, “Okay…” he whispered, carefully unwrapping a hand from his knees and gripping Logan’s shirt, “Stay...stay close? Please?”

Logan nodded, “Yes, baby, I’ll stay close.” he reassured gently, letting him slowly work through the motions needed to get up.

It took a long time, unwrapping his arms and letting his legs down like they didn’t belong to him, but using the wall, Logan got him to stand and wrap an arm over his shoulders.

“There we go.” he whispered, feeling Roman’s hand clutch at the fabric of Logan’s shirt at his shoulder, “One step at a time.”

Roman nodded slowly, moving forward slowly, shuffling halfway through the room, but froze halfway, eyes wide as he stared at the door. Logan gently massaged at his back, looking to the door and then back up at Roman.

His boyfriends eyes slid back to Logan, as though trying to confirm that what he saw or heard was real. But Logan wasn’t tense or scared...which meant maybe he’d…

Logan saw the uncertainty on Roman’s face, “You’re not imagining them, remember?” he assured gently, “Your brain is misfiring.” Roman’s eyes cleared a little, leaning a little more into Logan from the reassurance.

It was the slightest bit of relaxation, but it was something. Logan managed to get Roman to the bed, sitting him gently on the edge facing the door.

“What are five things you can see?” Logan asked gently, wiping tears gently from Roman’s cheeks. Roman’s eyes were hazy, looking around the room slowly and listing them for Logan, “Four things you can hear?” Roman kept his eyes on Logan as he answered, working through the rest of the steps with his boyfriend.

Roman took a deep breath on the last step, sighing it out shakily and rubbed his thighs with his palms as his shoulders drew close, “Th-thanks, Lo…” he whispered.

Logan cupped his cheeks gently, smiling as Roman met his eyes. He was still scared, tense and uncertain and worried, but at least now Roman was present. Not stuck trapped somewhere between the now and then.

“You’re welcome, baby.” he whispered softly, brushing tears away as they rolled free, “You’re still scared.”

Roman flinched, ducking his head, “I’m sorry, I-”

Logan shook his head, kneeling down to look up at Roman, “No, baby, you’re allowed to be.” he whispered softly, meeting Roman’s eyes when they hesitantly fluttered open, “Can I help make you feel safer?” he asked gently, smiling a little when Roman nodded and sniffled.

Slowly, Logan managed to manoeuvre Roman into the shower, smiling as his boyfriend relaxed a little and relished the warm water. It was a longer shower than usual, but Logan didn’t mind, not when Roman kept as much contact as physically possible with Logan and purred as Logan washed his hair.

“Where are your bad day clothes, baby?” Logan asked softly, smirking as Roman shakily showed him and let Logan dress him, sitting on the edge of the bed as Logan dressed.

“Tell me about work?” he asked suddenly, voice small and soft as he watched Logan dress, brushing damp hair from his eyes.

Logan turned to him, sliding his damp glasses onto his face, “You wanna hear about it?” he asked gently, “You’re still scared, baby…”

Roman swallowed hard, “But...hearing you talk helps…?” he offered quietly, fidgeting with his hands, “And...I wanna know…”

Smiling gently, Logan took his hands and helped Roman to his feet, “First, can you eat?” Roman nodded mutely, eyes uncertain and worried as he studied Logan’s face, “Well, getting to work this morning was a nightmare-”

A small, relieved smile twitched at Roman’s lip and Logan turned around, setting Roman’s hand on his shoulder as he led his tall boyfriend out into the kitchen. Logan’s calm, steady voice filled the apartment as Logan ordered in some food, leaving instructions to the driver so he wouldn’t scare Roman.

Roman was attentively listening to Logan as he ate slowly, though Logan couldn’t be sure if he was tired, struggling with his hands or still too scared to eat properly, but he was proud of his boyfriend for trying.

“Tired, baby?” he asked gently, tilting his head as Roman blinked himself back into the present. He’d only lost concentration for a second, but Logan had to be sure-

“No…” he whispered and Logan gently set both of their meals down, shuffling closer and taking his hands.

“Talk to me, baby.” he whispered, meeting Roman’s eyes when he turned his head to Logan, pressing their foreheads together.

“I can...hear them today.” he whispered, “But I...I don’t wanna.” he added quietly, closing his eyes, “I forgot and tried the earplugs and…”

Roman trailed off, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on Logan’s, “You spiralled from there?” Logan asked gently, stroking Roman’s knuckles. His boyfriend nodded, eyes pleading and scared, but he relaxed a little when Logan kissed him gently, “Did you have any attacks before I came home?”

“Two...I think.” he whispered, squeezing Logan’s hand, “I...I knew you’d come home...I remembered this time.” he offered a shaky smirk, “And I...knew you’d help when you did…”

Logan smiled proudly, “It’s okay if sometimes you don’t remember.” he whispered, “I know it’s not easy to think rationally.” Roman frowned, but Logan let go of one of Roman’s hands to cup his cheek, “Your mind gets stuck somewhere between the past and present, and that’s not your fault.”

“But...I’m getting better?” he asked quietly, “At...at it all…”

Logan kissed his chin, “At managing it? Yeah, baby, you are. And I’m so proud.” he whispered, rubbing their noses together, “How are you feeling now?” he asked gently.

“Fuzzy.” he whispered, sighing deeply and relaxing again, “But they’re quiet again…”

“Think you can finish dinner?”

“Breakfast.” Roman weakly teased, smirking when Logan smiled and laughed softly.

“That one.”

Roman nodded and took a deep breath, “Yeah...yeah, I think so.”

Logan smiled warmly, proud as Roman followed him up the stairs after dinner. Fatigue was very clearly catching up to Roman, but two panic attacks and intense fear would do that to a person. Roman fought with his eyelids as Logan gently lay Roman in bed, tucking him in before he turned the lights off and padded into bed, only just managing to set his glasses on the nightstand before Roman had his arms locked around Logan’s waist.

Logan giggled as he was pulled into the bed, twisting around to face Roman and holding him close. “I’ve got you. Safe with me.” Logan reassured softly as Roman’s breaths got laboured, even if they were uneven from both fatigue and relief, “One step at a time.”


End file.
